I’m able to liberate them by playing ancient 1980s memory game Simon, and the only interesting bit of this section is that the Goosebumps mum is played by older-than-she-sounds British actor Glynis Barber, who apparently shot to semi-fame in a British police show called Demsey and Makepiece. And it’s around now that we get another big reveal: Our parents are trapped in Horrorland, too! The villainous Madison Storm plans to exact his revenge by sacrificing them in an arena full of monsters. It’s truly majestic.īest of all, the dance is merely a ruse so I can steal a crank from Dracula when he lurches near, which is the sort of justification of my actions that could get me committed.Ĭrank grabbed, we stun Dracula with a magic ring-no time to get into all that-rescue Clay, and make our escape in a coffin full of spiders, which is every conceivable nightmare rolled into one. This leads to my favourite moment in the game: All six-foot-and-four-inches of Jeff Goldblum, dressed like a thrift store Bela Legosi, performing a clodhopping FMV waltz with a gangly teenage girl. Count Jeffula appears utterly unphased at the probable crushing of his undead paramour, and is quite happy to dance with the child impersonating her. Thankfully, the nauseating weirdness of it all makes it entertaining. Either way, it’s like you can feel him firing his agent as he urges out every reluctant line. Or maybe it’s the ignominy of playing a cartoon vampire in a forgotten CD-ROM game. Maybe it’s the fake teeth he has to wear, which make him talk like he has a mouthful of biscuits. But I’m disappointed to report that Jeff’s portrayal as the Prince of Darkness is understated to the point of being inaudible. Goldblum swoops in as Dracula, and I’m expecting a feast of flamboyant hand acting and enough ham for werewolf village breakfast. If she’s not dead, she’s at least maimed.Īnd then, finally, we come to it: The smouldering cherry atop Horrorland’s kitschy cake. Lizzie steals one of her robes as a means of impersonating her, which leads to an explosive argument and a full-on Scooby Doo chase that ends with me crushing Lady Cadaver with a collapsible bed. Roselleini provides what might be the standout performance in the game. She’s either Dracula’s girlfriend or his dinner-I’m not entirely sure which. It’s there I bump into Isabella Rosellini, who plays Lady Cadaver.

Lead performances aside, it feels like Escape from Horrorland has saved all its star power for the finale in Dracula’s castle. Luke, played by Adam Augustus Wylie, also provides my favourite Wikipedia bio of all time: ‘actor, musical performer, magician, singer and a former Crayola spokesman.’ There’s the odd fluffed line that makes it into the final release, but I’m largely convinced these kids think they’re trapped in a real monstrous theme park.

The actors behind the lead performances are full of gusto.

Goosebumps vampire